Creative Ways to Save Money - part 2.

Hire a vegan to keep your lawn neatly shorn and your garbage 'ecologically' recycled.

Use the shed dog fur to restuff your pillows ot their original shape - good idea to wash the hair first!

Live next to someone with an unsecured wireless network. Free internet!

Use pet harnesses instead of that high-end fetish gear.

Drink 'Red' Koolaid instead uf using that expensive lipstick.

Spray on Starch for hair spray.

:P

Creative Ways to Save Money - part 1.

Marital Aid - 1 can of Weather Beater Satin (high-gloss) latex paint. Why high-gloss? Less friction. Only saves you money if you let it dry. And do I have to explain why you use weather beater?

Cleaning - Today I got the Poor Man's Car Wash. It's raining this afternoon, so after the dihydromonoxide left the area, I took an old ratty towel and wiped the top layer of road grime off my vehicle. Only remove the top layer, because we all know that the other layers are the only thing holding your jalopy together.

Penguin Love

In honor of all... well. In honor of all time wasting methods that involve both hands above the keyboard -

www.yetisports.org

Quotations in Context

are no fun. But when you take them out of context they can be a riot. That's why it pays for parents to watch kid's shows from a different perspective. A case in point, one of my favorite kid's shows:

See Bear in the Big Blue House -

"What's that smell? (sniff) Ooh, I know that smell." [Bear]
"I gotta pee! –Me, too! –Really? –Yeah! –We'll be right back, Bear." – [Pip and Pop]
"Yeah, I tried pushing it in and shoving it in. It just won't go in my mousehole." – [Tutter]
"I was just about to look at some dirt. Oh, cool! Hey, do you wanna look?" – [Bear]
"Ooh! I like it!" - [Pip and Pop]
"He was busy measuring things to see if they fit into his mousehole." - [Bear]
"Don't ask me why. It's a bear thing." - [Bear]
"Oh, don't sell yourself short, Bear. Although, I don't suppose you could ever do that. You're too big." - [Luna]
"And I know just where to find him… To the bedroom!" - [Tutter Mouse]
"Bears like boxes, too, only it's hard to find one big enough." - [Bear]
"Of all the evenings during the year that I rise, this is my favorite. -Really? -Oh, there's just something about the air on Christmas Eve." - [Luna and Bear]
"Ooh, I know that smell." - [Bear]
"Let's see what pictures I can take. in my bedroom." - [Bear]
"Tell me, why do you love the bed so much?" - [Bear]
"Coming, Bear! Bear, I'm coming! (grunting)" - [Tutter]
"Sometimes I'm a forgetful bear." - [Bear]
"What shape is that under the covers? It doesn't look like a box." - [Bear]
"(sniff) Ooh! You have that just-rolled-out-of-bed smell." - [Bear]
"Is everything o.k. in there?" - [Bear]
"(snuffling) Hey, what's that smell?" - [Bear]
"What are you two doing in here? -We're having fun in the bathtub! -Yeah!" - [Bear, Pip, and Pop]
"There isn't an animal who works harder this time of year than reindeer." - [Bear]
"(sniff) Ooh! You smell like you're ready to play today." - [Bear]
"The way you're doing it is wrong, wrong, wrong!" - [Tutter]
"Oh, never mind." - [Pip]
"Great gobs of gorgonzola!" - [Tutter]
"There it is, Bear! Oh, here, let me lick it. (smacks lips) (slurp)" - [Tutter]
"What's wrong, Tutter? -Oh, it's too big, Bear. Too big! (grunting)" - [Bear and Tutter]
"No! There's so much other stuff to do in the bathroom! -Yeah!" - [Pip and Pop]
". . .And we helped! (laughter)" - [Pip and Pop]
"You know, you can look at it if you want. -(gasp) Really? Thanks! -You can look at it, too, Bear. -Oh, thanks!" - [Ojo, Pip & Pop, and Bear]
"Hey, look at that little mouse in red! He must really like to get attention!" - [Tutter]
"Everybody and every creature has to poop sometimes." - [Bear]
"You mean we have to wait?!" - [Pip and Pop]

Cardboard Warrior

Sent the wife of this morning for a massage. I do it myself usually, but the professionals ARE better. Besides, it gets her out of the house so that I can put on the maid outfit and clean the cave.

It's a messy day here in Atlanta. And while I sit here watching the 409 I sprayed on the table top, slowly attack the primordial breakfast ooze left there by the kids, I think I may begin a project I promised I'd do for my boy.

Begin making him a cardboard suit of armor. Not exactly full-plate-mail +2 mind you. But maybe along the lines of a Roman Centurion or a Greek Spartan.

I'll need to count my fingers before I begin. Could be fun. And give me a chance to recycle my christmas waste.

Junk Cell Phone Ads

What with all the furor over junk food ads on Nickelodeon ("the lawsuit assumes that parents can't turn off televisions, have no control over the food they buy and can't make their kids go outside to play" - so sue the companies so that I don't have to actually parent anymore) you'd think there'd be some outrage over cell-phone services marketing themsleves to kids.

First of all, these joke and game services on cell phones cost the parents money. And if mom & dad have given their kids cell phones, I've got to think these parents are getting some big phone bills. I see nothing on these ads that says get your parent's permission or must be over 18 to order. I've seen some awfully young kids (elementary school) using cell phones.

Was in a cell phone store recently with a prosperous young black family. They were getting a new phone for their darling daughter. Apparently, she'd dropped her cell phone in the toilet. The cashier hadn't even finished ringing up the order and the lil princess was already making phone calls to her friends, stopping to interrupt the purchase to ask, "Is my phone number the same?" and asking if 'she' could buy all the snazzy accessories.

It was sad to see such a cell-crack addiction in person. I'm sorry, but if my kid dropped the phone in the toilet, you'd find me taking the battery out and phone apart so that I could dry the compenents with a hair dryer. That or my spoiled brat could do without the phone.

At least when I buy and let my kids eat Choco Fruity Pops, they're getting vitamins and minerals too.

** UPDATE **
I do see that lawyer speak in -10 pt font at the bottom of the TV screen, but what kid is going to read that? "You must be 18+ to order. Get permission from bill payer before ordering. To unsubscribe, text 'stop'..."

This stuff has got to be a bigger headache than junk food.

al-Zawahiri, a US Spy!

Shhhh! (not like anyone really reads this thing - other than the Mrs and my Blog-pa)

Ayman al-Zawahiri has been working for the US government for quite some time. He's been collecting the reward money under the table in exchange for the locations of his known associates. He just netted a cool 5$ Million for the death of Midhat Mursi, 52, also known as Abu Khabab al-Masri. Why wait for death to meet those virgins? He's got all he can handle now what with all the legal US tender he's been raking in over the years.

Who needs NSA wiretaps when we've got intelligence resources like this?

Executive Crapper Quotient

I'm a bit wrangler in an IT company here in Atlanta. I work in a nice building, a tall office building full of cube farms. We've got six other wranglers in our programming posse and we share a floor with about 150 other wranglers and Indians.

I can't speak for the cowgirls, but the men have a small bathroom. Two sit downs and a matching pair of stand ups. Let's just double that for the 150 people. So roughly 8 johns for 160 programmers on the prairie for a quotient of .05.

Went on the hunt this morning for an abandoned bathroom cubicle. Gave up and sallied up to the top floor, four levels higher. Why? Well, for starters, the toilet paper is folded just so. And they have 4 sit downs, with a solid wooden door and very private cubicles. So private that the only opening is the little gap at the bottom of the real door.

The denizens of the executive suite have four awesome sitdowns and four porcelain ponies in the bathroom for cowboy. For the ladies, let's be nice and give them 8 stalls too though it's likely just 6. That's 16 for about 40 people (and that's likely an overestimate of citizens). Gives dandy denizens an Executive Crapper Quotient of .4.

That's 8 times better than the programming peons.

I'm not really complaining as I get to share. I'm sure that's not the case elsewhere. Also, our board room/company auditorium are on that floor, so maybe the extra bathroom cubicles are necessary.

So, what's your Executive Crapper Quotient?

HIPAA - just wondering...

Baby Noor is found by our neighbor soldiers serving in Iraq. We've done a good thing here and brought her back to the US to fix her extreme Spina Bifida.

Has her family filled out the proper HIPAA paperwork that allows dissemination of her condition to the press?

Just wondering.

Nagin - 'Chocolates Only'

Oh my gawd,

Associated Press article in AJC: Mayor Ray Nagin - Hurricanes Katrina and Rita and other storms were a sign that "God is mad at America"..."Surely God is mad at America. He sent us hurricane after hurricane after hurricane, and it's destroyed and put stress on this country,"..."Surely he doesn't approve of us being in Iraq under false pretenses. But surely he is upset at black America also. We're not taking care of ourselves." Nagin also promised that New Orleans will be a "chocolate" city again. Many of the city's black neighborhoods were heavily damaged by Katrina.

"It's time for us to come together. It's time for us to rebuild New Orleans — the one that should be a chocolate New Orleans," the mayor said. "This city will be a majority African American city. It's the way God wants it to be. You can't have New Orleans no other way. It wouldn't be New Orleans."

Guess I won't be spending any of my Vanilla income there. Can someone please direct me to a vanilla majority city as God intended it? :P

Such a Drip!

Finally replaced a leaky faucet this afternoon... er... evening.

Been trying to come up with ways to torture the schmuck who did the original plumbing. It complicated my swapping the faucet out.

Had to imitate a contortionist in order to get my overweight frame 'inside' the cabinet and then had to channel Houdini to avoid claustrophobia and extricate myself from solitary confinement.

But it's in. No leaks yet. Shiny!

Need some Advil and a stiff drink after that bit of introspection.

Carjackers Use ATMs Too

I feel for this guy, but wouldn't carjackers be aware of this 'code' too?

"Now miss, open your account and don't you dare push 911 or I'll shoot you anyway."

It may make it less likely for a carjacker to force you to go to an ATM though...

Most Embarrassing Moment?

I don't embarass easy. I'm of the opinion embarassment isn't worth the rush of blood to the lesser brain.

Once, I wore a Post-It-Note. All.Day.Long.








on my crotch.


Dressed in the dark. Left the apartment. Went to work. Sat down at my cube and began making the bits in our Crayovac supercomputer dance. Discovered the note when I visited the loo.

Then I rememberd that I had placed the note in my fly the night before so that I wouldn't forget to do... something. Don't remember what, but I do remember the note. :P

Indian Slaughter Continues...

The University of West Gerogia killed it's old offensive mascot this week. Formerly named the Braves, the university has adopted the Wolves as it's mascot.

I'd rather they not have changed it but due to NCAA pressure, schools are being forced to move away from indian monikers.

I wish they'd have gone with something different. EVERYONE has a wolf, or a bulldog, or an eagle...

One semi-finalist was the fire-ants. I'd have liked that one.

There are a dearth of black mascots. But that'd be percieved as racist too I bet. Kind of like the Fighting Irish, or the Minutemen, or ... can we come up with positive black mascot?

We Elect Judges in Georgia

By now, all but the most elitist have heard about and are outraged at Vermont judge Edward Cashman letting the rapist of a 7 year old 'off' without jail time. The state of Vermont was arguing for 8 years of confinement and instead the judge opted for rehab.

Here in Georgia, we have our problems. We've even been ridiculed for electing our judges. But you can bet that we wouldn't have let someone like Mr. Cashman on the bench.

Cough Medicine Ineffective?

Keeping the Mrs. up all night are we? Need a remedy?

A 'new' study was covered by the MSM that claims cough medicines were ineffective.

DUH!

I've never known a cough medicine to cease my cough. What I DO want from them is a temporary reprieve from coughing. Sometimes my sinus drainage causes SO much coughing that my chest hurts. Sometimes I cough myself a headache.

Cough medicines do suppress my urge to cough. Usually enough to allow me to achieve a status resembling sleep. Thanks to Mrs. Mongrel, I've learned to put up with the licorice (black jelly bean) flavor of Nyquil and it does the job nicely overnight. Typically I stick to the Robitussin.

But if these are truly ineffective, I've got one for the Mrs. ... maybe chocolate is a better remedy?

Maybe I'll just stick to my favorite alternatives...
Head over to Madfish Willie's Saloon and pour myself a shot of Drambuie or Brandy & Benedictine.

Duluth Girl Paints Flag, Earns Wrath

11Alive news is reporting this morning that a Duluth girl, who painted an American flag in her cul-de-sac over this past Fourth of July hoiday, will travel to New York to talk on a morning news program about her ordeal after painting the flag.

From the AJC:
"Parents in her neighborhood had organized the painting as part of a Fourth of July celebration last year. It sparked controversy when some neighbors worried it was jingoistic, and others said it did not show proper respect for the flag.
...
After school Tuesday, Rachel explained that she and her dad had researched flag etiquette before the council meeting. They learned that an 81-year-old World War II veteran was right to demand the painting be removed because it violated rules protecting the dignity of the flag."

Duluth City Council members and City Administrator Phil McLemore had agreed to order the image removed because the Stars and Stripes "defaced public property and could set a legal precedent for street paintings of offensive symbols, such as swastikas."

First off, let me start by saying that I be NO ONE would challenge her right to burn a US flag in the middle of the cul-de-sac on the 4th of July.

But a heartfelt show of pride, love and admiration for her country gets blasted by citizens who feel the painting of the flag was a pro-Iraq-war (and pro-Iraqi-liberation and pro-US-success-in-Iraq) statement. To add insult to injury, a grumpy old war vet gets on her case for not showing the flag the proper respect.

The fact that this little girl (and father) put the effort into her expression to get the flag painted in proper proportion and colors (you know, 50 white stars on a blue field and 13 horozontal stripes - starting and ending with red) should have been proof enough of her respect for the flag. Instead the crumudgeon decided to put the little snot in her place.

While "Duluth resident Don Ogden, a prisoner in Germany after his bomber was shot down," may be technically correct about the flag not being properly exhibited, he muffled the spirit of a 14-year old citizen. I'd rather he educate her about how the 'should be respected' rather than teach her a civics lesson. How about a "Great job darlin'! That flag looks wonderful. If you want to learn more about the US flag, how about you go check out: www.usflag.org"

I won't even get started on the local government on this issue. PHthththptptpt!

Hogzilla

Does the Atlanta Journal Constitution read it's own paper?

You remember a year or more ago, the picture going around the internet of the 12 foot, 1000 lb. wild pig shot by hunters in Georgia?

Today, the AJC runs a story about wild pigs being a threat to state crops. I've been personally aware of these creaturs since I was a boy spending part of my summer near the Georgia coast. My uncles killed one that got close to our shanty and we had some mighty fine eating for a good while.

In the story the writer relates the previous story about Hogzilla:
The largest wild hog ever killed was shot in June 2004 in Alapaha, in south central Georgia. Labeled "Hogzilla" by the plantation hunting guide who shot him, the animal was confirmed by National Geographic experts to be 12 feet long and 1,000 pounds.

Checking with Snopes however, and apparently the National Geographic Society claims "Indeed, when the National Geographic Society sent a team of scientists to exhume Hogzilla, what they found was not a 12-foot behemoth of a hog, but an animal they estimated had measured about 7-1/2 feet in length and weighed around 800 lbs. — a hybrid of wild boar and domestic Hampshire pig that the the Atlanta Journal-Constitution described as "large, perhaps even record-setting large, but not hide-the-children-and-get-your-guns large."

Somebody is bending the truth here for sure, and shame on the AJC for taking part. Likely, the pig is not as big as 'reported', but that's some pig!

Ok, Who took down the Matrix?

The Net, she seems to be slow. Anyone else having problems? Has the killer worm resufaced to take its revenge?

The Burning of Atlanta... churches...

We've had a high number of church fires over the years. There's one burning tonight in East Point (Atlanta) and it appears to be beyond saving.

Can't help but wonder about the cause of this fire. Or of the whole 'trend'.

Bad Week for Georgia Football...

Tech didn't show up at the Emerald Bowl.

The Falcons finished the second half of the season 2-8 with a horrible loss to Carolina.

... and my Bulldogs failed to win against WVU Mountaineers. Knew they had a running game, knew that they'd pass a little - but couldn't stop them anyway. Three lost fumbles caused by the hard hitting Mountaineers didn't help matters either. Kudos to WVU!

Oh to be a Tic-Tac!

Has anyone else seen those playfully perverse Tic Tac commercials? The ones with the talented tongue ladies?

They're filmed in the same lighting that seems to be used in those wonderful commercial for the Sci-Fi channel.

Well, instead of turning into a 'Mech' or devouring their boyfriend, these ladies are juggling and bouncing Tic Tacs on their toungue. Maybe they'll become the offical breath mint of the Bad Example Familiy?

Beauty and the Geek

IMHO, There are way too many Beauties in the world and too few geeks.

I for one, pretty much despise 'reality TV'. Especially those 'shows' where we are supposed to laugh at a "contestant's" misfortune.

My idea of reality TV is the news. Or better yet, sports.

I do watch Survivor from time to time, and The Amazing Race - but I may just have to watch this Beauty and the Geek. I saw some of the participants being asked questions about every day life and am amazed at their ignorance. One question asked of beauty was, "Where does roast beef come from?" Answers ranged from "Arby's" to "cows,... or pigs! Or, maybe horses, also." Well, at least she got the right answer in there SOMEWHERE. But she didn't really know.

Hello?

We've got people of voting age in the world, soaking up everything the media is feeding them, who can name every actor they've ever seen and the parts they've played, but they can't tell you about something so basic as where does roast beef come from?

It's as bad as watching that routine on the Jay Leno show where he interviews the people on the street with simple questions. Questions regarding who exactly makes the laws in our country, what George Washington is famous for, who we fought in WWII.

I'm just amazed at the general level of incompetence and ignorance in my fellow Americans. I couldn't care less about the geeks being able to properly style their hair, or know who George Clooney's mom is. But the schools and parents seem to be failing in their duty to properly educate these people as children. And the media loves these people because they just absorb anything that they see on the TV or hear on the radio.

Granted, the producers of this show probably searched for and found the dtiziest beauties and the most socially inept geeks. But I bet if you just walked down the street and randomly shook hands with people on the street, you'd meet many more cognitively deficient beauties than rocket scientists.

That Cadillac Quality

Talked to the Mongrel Grandfather the other night. His dashboard module that contains the odometer and all the readouts failed while on vacation.

Apparently there's been a spate of similar incidents around the nation. The dash module basically failed and my father had to drive home (across the country) without a working odometer, spedometer & gas guage, etc..

The worst part? The odometer is part of the unit. And odometers must be 'registered with the federal government' or something. So, the old one has to be sent back to the factory and a new dash unit - after finishing the appropriate paperwork - will be sent to the maligned customer.

Well, due to the rash of dashboard failures, these parts are rarely in stock. And with the built in delay due to the registration/deregistration paperwork, the Mongrel pops will likely be driving a demo Caddy for quite some time.

Sounds to me like the connection between the engine and the dashboard module catastrophically failed. And I bet they didn't design a back up line of communications between the engine and dash.

The Fal"can'ts"

I've always loved my Falcons. Well, ever since I outgrew my Dallas Cowboy pajamas of the late '70s/early '80s.

The defense has fallen behind this year. We let a number of guys go as free agents and had many injuries this year. As a result, the linebacking corps is light (but fast) our secondary is young. Can't stop the run for fear of giving up big yardage through the air. Can't focus on pass defense because everyone can run through our lightweight defense.

I sure hope they/we can turn this around next season.

That and Mike Vick is still making bad decisions and throwing passes with only his arm strength. I'm sitting here watching the Falcons/Panthers game and I don't know that I've yet see Vick throw with his feet set. He's got happy feet. That and when he does throw, he often throws the passes high and his receivers get killed going for the ball.

He's got awesome potential. He's in his third year and in those three years, we won in Green Bay in the playoffs, gone to the NFC Championship mathcup and not had a losing season. I just wish I wasn't afraid that we're heading in the wrong direction. This was supposed to be year where we made it back to the NFC Championship match - not go 8 and 8 on the season.



We could use some improvement on the O-line - find a veteran receiver ala Shawn Jefferson for Vick - headhunting safeties who like to draw blood (including their own) - get our LB corp healthy and get a stud DT. Oh. And maybe a QB coach. Just a small list, right?

Looking forward to next season.

Shrinkage

I've officially lost a pants size.

Not on a full fledged diet, but I've basically cut way back on my sugar intake. That includes fruits and starches.

Mainly I'm focusing on meat and non-starchy veggies.

Not hard for me to do since I lack an obsessive sweet tooth. I prefer spice. But I do like my sweets. I really like my breads. Almost can't refuse a good sandwich.

Cinnamon rolls? Mmm.

Danishes? Oh, yeah.

Panera Cinnamon Crunch Bagel with Hazelnut cream cheese? G'ah...

Coffee Cake muffins? MMMMmuffins...

Only eat those things once in a blue moon. Allowing myself realistically 1 starch a day.

Maybe I can once again wear pants that are under 40 inches in the waistline.